Help with kids!

Okay so I know this isn't really the place for all this, just feeling so angry and pent up need to speak to someone, anyone about it.

My 3 nearly 4 year old is an absolute nightmare and just don't know what to do about it. Sometimes he can be so nice and angelic, but only when he's getting his own way or doing something he wants to do.

As soon as he wakes up on the morning he starts, he wants sweets, computer games, tom and Jerry he's just relentless.

When he dosn't get his own way he just screams the place down, does these really angry arm movements like he's the hulk and gonna explode or something.

Trouble is I know i'm exactly the same, just get so angry feel like smashing everything in the house up, we just wind each other up.

Feel really horrible because sometimes I just really can't stand being with him, although I do really love him promise.

It's not just me though as my husband is one of the most placid people on the planet and even he get's wound up when Thomas starts, although he can manage to block it out until he really explodes, I just can't.

Sorry to just come on and moan, just had enough at the minute

Oh Starbuck! I can really empathise with you hun as my 4 kids are all aged 8 and under.

Its difficult knowing how to advise you as you know him best and what triggers his behaviour but you are right not to bottle your feelings up as you will explode.

If I had a pound everytime I felt like I couldn't cope, that no-one cared, and that I am the worst mother in the world then I would be a millionaire!!

The first things I would say regarding his behaviour is has it been going on a while or is it just a recent/temporary thing he will grow out of? (ie terrible two's type of thing or responding to some change in his life).

Could he be frustrated/bored at home and needs to burn some of his energy off during the day?

Do certain foods trigger his mood (for example mine are a nightmare with anything with aspartame in eg jelly, Robinson's cordial or jelly sweets like haribo and colouring, it sends them hyperactive and argumentative).

Does he do it for attention albeit negative? (one of mine did it for attention at aged 3 1/2 and responding to it didn't work so in the end we just ignored the negatives and went OTT on the good things until it phased out! Which is really hard to do!)

Have you tried the supernanny approach of 'time-out', naughty step and all the other reprimands?

I think if it goes on and becomes unbearable then perhaps think about having a quiet word with your Health Visitor if she is a sympathetic, understanding type as she may be able to suggest other tactics to try or reasons why he may be acting like this.

You are not a bad mum Starbuck, kids just push us to our limits and wear us down on a daily basis and yet somehow we are expected to just bounce back everytime and carry on!

Best of luck hun xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks 4angels - He's being good as gold now because I let him play his games, as soon as I turn them off there will be trouble though.

He's always had a real temper but obviously as he gets older he's got more vocal with it and stronger too. We had to take him out of nursery because I was just too afraid of him seriously injuring another child as he's so much bigger than they all were.

He probably is bored at home but it's so hard to get him to do anything other than watch tv or play games (and he's still only 3!!!!). Whenever I say lets go out to the park or play or do anything he just says he can't too tired dosn't want too.

I really hope it's something he grows out of, have never heard of a 3 year old not wanting to go out and play but that's him.

Don't think it's any particular food as he does it from the moment he wakes up.

He's just fine on his own terms but if he dosn't want to do something he's a nightmare.

The teachers at his nursery all said how bright he was, think he's just old before his time. He had only been in the nursery about 8 months and had finished all the pre-school learning books and worksheets they do before you move up to school.

Would be great to stop him playing all the computer games as that's when we have the most arguments, but he just loves them so much. Comes up crying that there his favourite things in the world, I feel awful stopping him playing them.

Can't speak to the health visitor, we don't get on

From your description he could well be a gifted child and this leads to him being frustrated, and its difficult if they are bigger, stronger and more fiesty than kids their own age as socialising must be difficult.

It's a shame you don't get on with your HV but I know from experience that some are nice and respectful of parents and others are opinionated and condescending. I clashed with a temporary HV who had never met my son before and waded in with both feet regarding his special needs...this put me off having anything to do with 'professionals' for a while, but luckily she was not made permanent and the replacement for her is lovely, helpful and yet not pushy.
Is you GP any more sympathetic than your HV? If you explained what the situation is he/she might be able to help.

It may be a case of riding it out for a while and see if he settles down. When he starts school this might be the time things get sorted properly as his energy will be hopefully be directed. Is that another year though? Are there any other pre-schools or a Surestart that you could go and have a word with before committing yourself to see if they are any better than his last one?

My son is a bit addicted to his PSP console and the main computer, even on a sunny day he would prefer to be inside playing computer games. Only one of my kids would be outside every minute of the day given the opportunity, which is sad really but probably a reflection of the times as well as the weather!!

I know this is not the same as what you are going through but I really struggled to accept outside help for my son and felt that everything was a reflection on me and my parenting skills. Now I blame myself for resisting help as it might have had greater benefits for him in the long run if I had accepted it sooner. As he's got older I have had to let go and let people in to improve his and our lives. All of this is so much easier said than done though!
I think it is the same whenver a child is causing complications and situations that you struggle to manage and for whatever reason it may be occurring, sometimes we just need someone to be able to turn to.

I really hope you can find a 'professional' who will listen and help with this hun as it can feel really isolating being a parent!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Me and my health visitor have a chequered history.

When I had my little boy he was 3 weeks overdue, had to be induced for 46 hours then had a caeserean because he wasn't coming out at all. Obviously this took a lot out of me so when I got home 3 day's later the health visitor came round and the first thing she said was "Your not very houseproud are you". The house wasn't even that much of a mess really, just had other things on my mind. I could hardly walk FGS!

Anyway enough about her 'cause i'll get mad again.

Thanks for listening 4angels, and thanks for the good advice. I'm definately not good at getting outside help either, get the bad mother failure feelings too.

Am hoping that this is all going to sort itself out soon, he's not that bad really. But when he is I just wanna punch the wall though 'cause I can't cope.

He dosn't start school till next September as he is an October baby. We've started doing worksheets and things though to try and entertain him and help him learn.

Just wish he wasn't so angry.

Thanks again

She sounds really insensitive hun! God I know the feeling after a caesarean its all you can do to look after yourself let alone a newborn and a house! Some people really shouldn't work in a 'caring' profession!!!


Take care xxxxxxxx

Hey Starbuck, hope things are a bit calmer for you - it can be really isolating and can really stir up emotions and feelings of being less than perfect we are so hard on ourselves eh?

can i make some suggestions? - have you tried visual prompts and structure - for example (I know he is young, but if he is bright he may well respond) get a visual timetable grid and some pictures of a pc, a tree (for the park) etc and then get him to put them on for when he can do the activity? that way he will feel like he is still in control, but you are actually picking the time slots round what you have to fit in. The next stage is to get an egg timer and then put it next to him when he is on the computer and tell him he can go n, but only until the timer runs out then he has to do the next thing on the timetable.

it may well be that he doesn't want to come off as he doesn't know what to do next but if he has his little schedule it can make it easier for him to change from one state of mind to another and make it easier for him to change activitiy. this works on two levels as it helps him with the transition but it is also a subtle reinforcer of who is in charge in a non confrontational way.

Thats a great idea Irnbru. He hasn't been to bad the last few days really, but I have been letting him play his games, it's when we need to do something else I get problems.

Think he would like the idea of devising his own schedule, might give it a go thanks!

Didnt read all the posts so not to corrupt my memory lol

I have a nearly 4 year old and she goes from angel to devil all the time, i tend to shout loud and put her on the stairs till she stops then make her say sorry this tends to work till the next time she has a paddy then rinse and repeat, they tend to only occur now during major dramas

I find a firm tone and consistency really help