Your Relationship With Food - Healthy Mind, Healthy Body?

Lets be honest, we all came here because we weigh more than we would like.

Losing weight successfully is as much of a mental and emotional thing, as it is a "stop eating so many chocolate biscuits" thing.

Its all well and good modifying what you eat, but if your head is shouting "IM HUNGRY FOR EMOTIONAL COMFORT AND I NEED YOU TO GO TO HOTEL CHOCOLAT AND SPEND A YEARS SALARY ON YUMMY TREATS" then you have a battle on your hands before you even get started.

So, in this thread, I think we should discuss the more "emotional" aspects of food and how they affect us.

I'll go first - coz I'm a firm believer in never asking others to do something you arent prepared to do yourself.

I remember a lot of things about my childhood - I remember that I never had that phase that most little girls go through of thinking their mother was the most beautiful woman on the planet and how much I wanted to grow up to be just like her. I actually thought she was fairly ugly - she never wore make up, wasnt particularly feminine and I actually recoiled when people remarked upon how similar we looked because actually, that was the last thing I wanted to hear.

She was also a firm advocate of the school of thought that says "When in crisis or in doubt, a bag of chocolate bars will sort it out". She used to come home fairly often with a carrier bag of about 10-15 chocolatey things, I might be given one of them, and the rest would disappear down her gullet faster than the proverbial speeding bullet.

I mentioned over on DS that she did quite a good job of attacking my self-esteem too - one night, I would have been about 8, I was getting undressed for a bath and she poked me in the stomach and said that I was getting a bit overweight - I replied "thats not fat Mummy, its Puppy Poo" (getting the whole puppy fat thing a bit mixed up) - and that became one of her hilarious tales to recount to people about me. Admittedly, looking back, the slip-up WAS funny - but the fact that I as an 8 year old was having her weight issue pointed out in a fairly callous manner was not. She would occasionally make comments about my weight - borne out of her own insecurities and battle with her weight, I have no doubt - including the one I mentioned on DS where she used my recently deceased grandfather in a "he would have wanted you to lose weight" assault.

So, pretty much always, I have had quite a complex relationship with food (and her, for that matter) - and I still have echoes of that in my life today, Im just more aware of it now and can pull myself up on it.

Ive always suffered with depression too - and I think thats why my bond with chocolate is so strong - that feel good chemical thats in chocolate probably has a particularly profound affect on me - so the more of it I eat - the better the temporary fix. But for me, overeating is not restricted to chocolate - its pretty much anything that comes to hand.

Lack of routine also plays a big part in this - it can often be late afternoon before I eat something - and I dont sleep well either, so I fall out of bed in time to get the kids up for school, forget to eat anything myself, or defer eating till I am less busy. My metabolism doesnt know whats happening from one day to the next.

To effectively lose weight, I know these are all issues I need to address and explore - and so I shall be endeavouring to work on my mental health, as well as my physical health at the same time.

I would apologise for the lengthy post, but Im not going to - because I am a swine for writing lengthy tomes - and I would have to do it after nearly every post I make. Lets just say this is a universal apology in advance for all future posts

Hey they,

I am a firm believer in food and our relationships with it being related to childhood.

I mean from the moment we are born we cry and we are given food?? As we get older food becomes a reward "eat all you dinner and you can have pudding".... and on it goes.

My mother although never diagnosed with any one disorder simply has no appetite. A year or so before having me she collapsed just after boarding a flight and ended up being hospitalised as she was so underweight.... Even now 30 years later my Mum still only eats to "fuel" herself and never gets any real pleasure from eating - something I couldn't imagine as I adore my food!!! My Mum isn't slim either - oddly - as she hardly eats. Ironically my Dad has a small appetite too and my dinners used to be bigger than either of theirs

Due to my Mum's lack of appetite she has always encouraged us to eat as much as we like (I am the eldest of 4 - 3 of us now have left home). If we wanted seconds we were given them, choccies and crisps were always available in adundance and although My Mum cooked a lot from scratch it wasn't the most healthy of foods!! She wouldn't force us to eat as such but she would always encourage us. Even when I weighed nearly 11st - far too much for my height my Mum would never comment in a negative way.

Luckily both of my brothers have always been slim - my sister gave birth 7 months ago and is still slimming back down. I am the only one who has really 'suffered'.

I used to totally use food as a reward....... If I had a hard day it would be a takeaway, a good day it would be a take away and a bottle of wine. If I was upset / angry / worried I'd eat.

I managed to crack that bad habit - kind of. But's it's still there lurking!!

I don't blame my Mum - but I do feel her eating habits have hugely impacted on my own.

I have things under control now, I am only needing to shift a stone and I eat so much healthier nowadays - have doen for years (since I left home in all honesty!!)

I agree that we pick up food habits / feelings about food from our parents.

My mum has disordered eating, definitely, she will often not eat and then binge out on all sorts. I mean, shes overweight, so this lifestyle doesnt make her any thinner, and shes constantly been at slimming clubs from as far as i can remember.

Also, my dad is very thin and has always made comments about my mums weight and my weight, i was always being compaired to my thin niece, who is 'sophisticated' and drinks wine, whereas i am and i quote 'short and dumpy' and drink from pint glasses.

I dont know. We've got kinda a effed up relationship with food, i inherited my mums problems with food, but my dads criticisms of the imperfect, not about other people, directed at myself.

I've struggled with Bulimia since i was 13 and to be honest still struggle with the urge not to be sick every time i have a meal.

But you know, each day i think positive that im gonna have a good food day. :)

I live in hope! :)

I too believe that food habits are formed in childhood.

When I was younger I don't think any of my family were particularly big, definitely not fat but I always remember dieting being an issue. There were always dieting magazines and books littering mine and my grans homes. I remember flicking through my grans copy of the F plan diet when I was about seven.

Whenever there was family gatherings food would be a big deal with my mum saying oh I can't have this or that. I remember really thinking about being fat though when at 8 my gran had liposuction, she wasn't even fat!

I suppose diets have always been around in my life, but it's not done any of us any good as me, my gran and my mum are much bigger than we've ever been.

Im not saying them always being on a diet has made me fat, but it's just always been around and maybe it's a skill that i've learnt from them and continue to copy.

The only time I ever remember being thin happened by accident. I was always the biggest girl in the school, but one day all of my puppy fat just melted away.

I was walking through the playground in year 12 and said to my best friend "My trousers are quite baggy, I think i've lost a bit of weight" well she said "we were all a bit worried about you" she thought I was anorexic or something because id gone so thin.

So I was finally happy with my weight and that lasted for about 2 years until I left school and met my now husband, and the weights been piling up ever since.

I have lost some weight on diets in between for my wedding and holidays but it's always gone back on.

Now I actually feel ready to do something permanent, I'm stopping dieting and starting living (healthy).

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

I have a very negative relationship with food. My Mom and grandmother are extremely critical and judgmental and gave me a hard time growing up. My grandmother routinely told me that nobody would love me if I was fat. I was about 10 years old when she started telling me that (even though I only had a little baby fat at that point). For reasons I won't go into right now, there were aspects of being "unattractive" to men that probably appealed to me at the time... on a subconscious level.

I have battled weight ever since. I've lost 80 pounds twice before and gained it all back. I'm trying to lose it again and this time I want to keep it off. I am trying to change my relationship with food. It's not easy. This time, I'm trying to focus on being healthy--rather than dieting. It's going to be a life-long journey.

Delilah, i'm so sorry to hear about your mum and grandma. you know it never fails to amaze me how people think its ok to say that stuff to other people, as if they are doing you a favour or something. When in reality, they just ruin your self esteem and make you feel horrible.

I guess when people are honest, theres a lot of these things happening in peoples childhood (and adult life) which lead us to have effed up relationships with food. Actually, it kinda makes me feel better to know im not alone in this

Dont forget anytime you need to talk we're all here In the meanwhile, lets all try and get fit and healthy, and (not to sound American) in a 'place' we can feel happy with! hehe

x

*warning - unpleasantness discussed here*

Delilah, I dont know if you read my "story" over on the DS diet buddies thread but I was in a very similar position to you with my own mother - and whilst I appreciate your need for privacy about whatever it was that caused you to want to be unattractive to men - perhaps it would help you also to know I was raped when I was 21.

I confided in a friend of my mothers (I had confided in my mother about 6 weeks after it happened, her response was "oh well") and she had something a little more constructive to say.

She said pretty much the following "That attack was not about YOU. It was about that one individual man's need to control and have power over someone. You could have been anyone at all - you, your personality, your sense of who you are, had nothing to do with it. He didnt know you before, and he didnt pick on you because of any of those reasons. You were just a victim, and now you have to become a survivor, and take that control back - because he will never be able to hurt you that way again, its over now - and you are ok, and will be ok again."

I still have flashbacks from time to time, but being able to understand that - has helped me immensely with my recovery.

I hope I have not overstepped the mark with what I have just said and I am happy to have it taken down if it makes anyone feel uncomfortable or unhappy. One of the things I was most surprised with was how many other people came forward when they found out about me, with a similar story of their own to share. It goes unspoken and veiled in shame - when there is NO shame in it at all.

Please let me know if this post is a problem - I shall remove it at once.

Your post isn't a problem for me. I think many of us probably have issues that have contributed to our weight problems. I'm glad your Mum's friend gave you the kind of support you needed. (((hugs)))

What happened with me wasn't as traumatic as rape. I was younger (6-12 years old) and I didn't realize until I was much older how much it affected me. I'm a survivor too. I think we all are!

Thanks for sharing these stories it's often so difficult to think about these things, never mind being brave enough to share them- I think weight gain often has a lot to do with emotional vulnerability tied in with feelings of low self esteem. That's why this forum is so great - so many people at different stages, ages and weights - but all helping each other - will stop now before I start wanting to hold hands and sing Kumbya

I just realised reading over these open and honest posts that my childhood was pretty unhappy too - my dad was very violent towards me and my mum was very passive and I was not confident at all - I emerged from childhood a bit chunky and my parents were always highly critical of me. I looked on food as a friend that would always make things feel better. My eldest son made a comment the other day when i was talking about weight (again lol) that in his mind we (my hubby and I) had always been "big" and that was just the way we were in his mind - no critcism just acceptance - I lost 5 stone before I got married, but every year since I seem to have gained another stone - but now I feel that its not about getting to some magical number to get someones approval - I just want it for me - I want to be healthy and fit (enough to run a marathon or climb a mountain) and a bit more shallow motivation - I want to be able to go into "normal shops" and not have to hunt for the "plus size" section.

I just have to stop this pattern of thinking of food as a reward or consolation prize - I honestly feel I am on the right path now and have never been so focussed about it but at the back of my mind is that it is all too easy to get side tracked and I have to get a plan on my head which i recite before I go to sleep so that I know what my fitness is going to be for the next day - and this seems to be working one day at a time...

Irnbru, I can relate to you in so many ways! I have never been able to buy clothes in a "normal" UK shop. I moved here 12 years ago; but was already too big for the high street. I'd love to buy clothes in Next and some of the other high street shops. The other day, I bought a top in Bhs for the first time! Woohoo! It's a little snug on my arms; but I'll be able to wear it soon enough.

I think all of us have had trials and tribulations in our lives. We are all survivors in some way. Thanks for sharing your story.

You're on the right track now. I also need to develop a better relationship with food. It's definitely a one day at a time kind of thing.